Long Bickering at the Pearly Gates Earns Detective Bombadil a Heavenly Visa

Sorry Folks For my long Sabbatical. I Have been vacationing, well lets be honest, imprisioned at the pearly gates for some time. For some reason, I do not seem to know why St. Peter seems to have issues with me. I guess he is getting irritated at the fact that keep barging into heaven with extraterrestrial cases, demanding interviews, and the like in my bombish detective ways.
It all started when I went to interview Mary Magdalene about her opinion on the DaVinci Code. I kindly asked St. Peter to let me in to see Miss Magdalene when he told me hit the road, and not to come back until my soul was properly separated from my body. I told him that it just like him to be so denying. Another great decision by Bombadil. He became very infuriated with me and picked up his cell phone and called St. Michael Security. I said "Oh how worldly you are St. Peter, if only you believed in Christ as much as you believed in technology maybe you could walk on water." He was so angry with me he sentenced me to purgatory.
You guys don't know how embarassing it is being the only person in purgatory with a body. Everyone made so much fun of me. Although it was nice having a vacation from sin. Thinking of my fans though, I thought maybe I should return to the world. The only problem was that I was in a theological predicament. On the one hand, the way salvation works is that you cannot go back to earth after your in purgatory, but it is theogically impossible for someone to have a body while in purgatory. So I did what anyone in my predicament would have done. I reported St. Peter to the Congregation of the Doctrine of Faith.
Feeling that this predicament may take as long as the Motu Proprio, I was prepared for the long haul. To my astonishment the congregation immediately contacted Pope Benedict, who in turn got ahold of St. Jude's Law department of lost causes in Heaven's busy business district.
St. Jude in turn got Our Lady's approval to allow me to return to earth. So I was therefore released.

A Couple of Days Later I recieved the following Letter:

Dear Detective Bombadil,

We, at St. Jude's Law, would like express our deepest condolences for the mishap concerning St. Peter and yourself. We have filed a grievance against Simon Peter on your behalf. He proposed a settlement, and we advise you take it. It is a heavenly Visa. This will not permit you travel into heaven, but rather allow any saints of your choice to leave, and meet you on EARTH for an interview. We at first though we had a case, but apparently Peter said he loved Christ three times, overriding his previous denial of Christ, and since we don't see you walking on water anytime soon, we think your actions could be judged as uncharitable, and St. Peter's actions could be seen as provoked. We considered having Higher Criticism Scholars testify as experts on the errancy of scripture, possibly giving you a case, but Dei Verbum seems to have quite following up here. Therefore please accept this settlement, and know that St. Peter's keys have been suspended for a brief time, so try to avoid him as he vacations in Galilee.

Sincerly in Christ Our Sovereign King and Lord,

The Law Office of St. Jude

P. S. We recieved a memo from the Office of the Right Hand of the Father. You are advised seek confession soon, never know when your going to get struck by lightning.

Now I have returned the blogosphere, and back on the case. So if controversial, out this world cases are your cup of time, or you just want to see when Hippy Catholicism will reach its demise keep posted. You never know what Detective Bombadil is going to dig up next.

Fr. Reginald Foster Fired!!!

According to Catholic News Agency, renowned Latin scholar Fr. Reginald Foster was fired from the Jesuit run Gregorian University in Rome, because apparently many people were taking his class without paying. I have gone to Rome to investigate this conspiracy of the Jesuits. Upon arriving in city, Holy Father Benedict XVI met me incognito at the ancient Colosseum so that the Jesuits would not be on to him.

Bombadil: Holy Father isn't their something you can do about the Jesuits?

Pope Benedict: They are out of my control. They are all over the place.

Bombadil: I have heard recent rumors that they now believe that Christ has three natures Human, Divine, and extra-terrestrial.

Pope Benedict: That wouldn't be as bad as some.

Bombadil: So do you think Fr. Reginald's departure from the Gregorian University shows the demise of Latin in the Church.

Pope Benedict: I would certainly say not. Latin is the universal language of the Church.

Bombadil: Yes, but we don't even use it for Mass anymore. What practical use does it have anymore. Seminarians don't even really need to know it anymore.

Pope Benedict: Yes they do! Otherwise I signed this document for nothing.

Bombadil: What document. You don't mean the Universal indult for the Tridentine Mass?

Pope Benedict: Maybe. I'm really not at liberty to discuss it.

Bombadil: Your the pope, your at liberty to discuss what ever you want.

Pope Benedict: You'll post this on your case history blog, and then the whole Church will know about it.

Bombadil: Okay so maybe I've been linked to by the Curt Jester once, but I am not the Curt Jester. Most people won't even think this is a real interview. I am Tom Bombadil, not Sherlock Holmes.

Pope Benedict: Ok fine I signed the indult.

Bombadil: Yee-haw. When will it become official.

Pope Benedict: In November.

Bombadil: Excellent. I am so excited. Its going to bring beauty and majesty back to the Mass Tridentine and Novus Ordo. Will it bring the Lefebs back too?

Pope Benedict: I certainly hope so!

Bombadil: Sorry that I got off the subject. I was just so glad to hear that. What about Fr. Reginald Foster. What will you be doing with him.

Pope Benedict: Well he'll be starting his Latin institute of course.

Bombadil: If I wanted to take a class at the institute would I have to pay?

Pope Benedict: Of course not. I'll give you a pass.

Bombadil: Thank you, Holy Father.

Pope Benedict: Well I must be going, you know a Church to run and all.

Bombadil: Holy Father, before you go, could I ask you to infallibly speak on the evils Haugen and Haas.

Pope Benedict: All in due time. All in due time.

Move over Mary Magdalene this is a case for the Jesuit Files.

Introducing Cafeteria Catholicism's Ultimate Kit

This is a paid advertisement from Just try and Excommunicate me Fools Co. Tired of being supressed by the Hierachial Church, but yet for some reason you want to keep the label Catholic, but do whatever you want. Then Cafeteria Catholicism's ultimate kit is just for you, you sassy, sassy liberal you.

1. First thing on the list is actually a cd for your computer. We are all about worldy things. This cd includes a questionaires asking you to pick and choose what ever you want to believe out of Catholicism. Then poof a bible will appear excluding any reference to a teaching you choose not to believe in.

2. Super duper Mahoney Moon Boots- Just in case feel like jumping and pretending your on the moon so you can say sorry Pope Benedict, I can't hear you.

3.Dorothy's ruby slippers (cross-listed with tone-deaf kit) Are you a dull boring Kansas girl who wants nothing more than to see things in more than just black and white. Then just slip these ruby slippers on and you'll be whisped away to Oz which is really just a suburb of LA.

4. How to run for president kit. No Cafeteria Catholic is complete until he runs for president. Also includes lists of dioceses where politicians who support abortion are not allowed to recieve communion.

5. Chittister's Time Machine- Tired of all those anti-vatican II bishops popping up like daises. Miss the reign of Fr. Richard McBrien, or other theologians full of dissent. Well put this magical ring on, turn around three times, run outside, hug the first tree, and say "hippies, hippies, are for me, rescue me from rising truth towards thee." Poof, you'll be at woodstock in no time.

These are just a few of the outrageous items we have for sale today folks.

As part of a one time deal, you can call in today and pick and choose which items you would like from the kit, or simply order an empty box. Call 1-800-cafe today. The NCR is standing by.

Disclaimer-If you try the There's No Place Like Home thing with the slippers you'll end up in a confessional. The last person who used our How to run for President Kit did not do well. Chittister's time machine will only work as long as your concussion does from running into that tree all dizzy and such.

Detective Bombadil Available for Unsual and Off the Wall Cases

I have decided that since I am a detective searching for unusual phenomena I should open up my case book and fill it with requests from good Catholic bloggers, and devout Catholic Blog readers or curious non-Catholic bloggers. So you may leave a request for a mystery to be solved in comments, or email me at any time at bryanbombadil@gmail.com. If I am to accept your case. I will do everything in my power to solve it. In all honesty if you request a case like the trinity, it may take me for ever to figure it out. It may be a case for the Supernatural files.

An Interview with St. Louis De Montfort

On this Glorious feast of Our Lady of the Rosary, I found myself pounding on St. Peter's gate requesting to speak with Mary. St. Peter told me that Mary was busy, being the mother of God and all, and she didn't have time to talk with some rookie sleuth. I took offense to that, but being that it was St. Peter who said it, it was probably true. I asked then in a gasp of desperation to speak to St. Louis De Montfort. St. Peter was rather annoyed at me, but checked his books, and said that he was available, but that I should probably meet him on earth giving that I was still alive, and limbo was no longer available due to recent activity at the Vatican. So back on earth I met with St. Louis De Monfort, at a local coffee shop.

Bombadil: Thank you for meeting with me Lou, I........

St. Louis De Montfort: That St. Lou to you buddy.

Bombadil: Terribly Sorry sir, err, Saint. I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions about your book, True Devotion to Mary?

St. Louis De Montfort: That ole thing's still around? I thought it was lost years ago.

Bombadil: Well yes, it was lost, but later it was found. Now its actually a quite a classic.

St. Louis De Montfort: A classic, eh, that kind of tells my age doesn't it?

Bombadil: Well you are quite a few centuries old sir.

St. Louis De Montfort: Much appreciated. (Rolls his eyes) How does my book get around?

Bombadil: Well Tan publishes it.

St. Louis De Montfort: Do I want Tan publishing it?

Bombadil: Well, yes sir its a very conservative publishing company, perhaps even better than Ignatius Press.

St. Louis De Montfort: Ignatius has had quite the headache lately. I am not sure why.

Bombadil: Have you met a Jesuit? Anyway enough with these tangents. Do you know that some people think your book it practically Marian, and are almost scandalized by the Goddess you make her appear to be?

St. Louis De Montfort: This reaction comes from pure lack of reasoning, and from people who thought they knew what the book was about before reading. I am sure you are familiar with Anti-Catholic thinking.

Bombadil: Well yes of course. May I ask what the book was really about then?

St. Louis De Montfort: Its about a woman who is more beautiful than the stars. A woman who stomped the serpents head, and undid what Eve did in the Garden of Eden, saving the whole human race. She is really God's greatest creation. She in her great humility will be the first one to tell you she's not God.

Bombadil: I have wondered, how do Mary and Eve get along in Heaven?

St. Louis De Montfort: I have to say its a bit awkward when they are in the room together. We kind of see the fall and rise of creation at the same time. Its even more awkward when Adam and Jesus are there.

Bombadil: What does Jesus say when he is asked about his mother?

St. Louis De Montfort: What can I say. He's quite the mama's boy. You should see how he swoons over her. Doing everything she asks, and people worry about making Christ jealous by praying to her. Its only a compliment to him.

Bombadil: As you know the late Pope John Paul gave us.......

St. Louis De Montfort: Oh Saint John Paul. Swell guy. Mary just loves him.

Bombadil: Saint John Paul?

St. Louis De Montfort: Oops. Have we not made that official yet. I may have let the cat out of the bag.

Bombadil: We all figured anyway. As I was saying Pope John Paul came out with new mysteries for the Rosary. The Luminous Mysterious.

St. Louis De Montfort: New Mysteries? Are they from Jesus' ministry?

Bombadil: Yes.

St. Louis De Montfort: I always knew something was missing. How exciting! Even more ways to celebrate Mary and the Life of Jesus.

Bombadil: Yes. Well in your book The Secret of Rosary you say that we should pray all 15 decades of the Rosary a day, or essentially a full rosary. Well surely you don't think we should pray all twenty now do you?

St. Louis De Montfort: Why not?

Bombadil: It's a lot of praying!

St. Louis De Montfort: If you saw Mary, and truly understood the power of the rosary you would not say that. You would pray it which such fervor and love that the mysteries would take your breath away.

Bombadil: Indeed! All twenty it is.

St. Louis De Montfort: That is my new decree!

Bombadil: Anything to say in closing.

St. Louis De Montfort: The rosary is a powerful weapon against the forces of evil. Never leave your house without one. Keep Mary at your side. Mary has preached at every apparition about the rosary including Fatima and Lourdes and it something that all should keep very dear to their heart. It has the power to save the wicked, and support the downtrodden. Pray it everyday, and you shall be saved.

Bombadil: Speaking of apparitions could you give us a heads up on the validity if Medjugorje?

St. Louis De Montfort: I am unable release any information about it at this time. Only time will tell.

Bombadil: Thank you St. Lou, you've been a real sport.

St. Louis De Montfort: No problem detective, and just so you know the Holy Spirit is really working overtime to renew the Church in this new springtime.

A conservative's Examination of Conscience

Did I oblige my duty to form fresh calices on my knees for the honor and glory of God?

Did I speak to the Master of the Universe in any language other than Latin?

Did I grant the sign of peace to someone after the Agnus Dei had already begun?

Did I remember to pray for Opus Dei, and all of its secret missions?

Did I indulge in the National Catholic reporter?

Did I participate in any Novus ordo Mass?

Have I referred to the glorious days of St. Thomas Aquinas as the Dark Ages?

Have I neglected to wear my hair shirt at all times?

If I am a priest or seminarian did I succumb to tabulation?

Did I shrug off a Liturgical Abuse as "not a big deal" or "artistic license"?

Have I participated in singing Haugen and Haas, or The Lord of the Dance, with the exception of satirical use?

Did I remember the Diocese of Lincoln, and his Excellency Bishop Bruskewitz in all my prayers?

Do I watch EWTN everyday, and pray for the intentions of our modern day hero Mother Angelica?

Have I ever allowed myself to be pressured into recieving communion in the hand?

Do I ever let a day go by without thanking God for Pope Benedict XVI, or praying for the Cannonization of Pope John Paul the Great?

O Lord our God,through the intercession of Mary Mediatrix, heretics may come and go, but your Church and its dogmatic teachings will last until the end of time. May my faith and zeal not be softened by modern interpretations of Charity, but increased by the ultimate Charity of your son's death on the cross for all mankind. May we know when to be humble, and when to speak up. Ultimately help us to not get in the way of your Holy Spirit, but increase its fruits, as instruments of your divine law. We ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen.

TODAY'S ABSOLUTELY AMAZING ASSISI SPECIALS

This is a paid advertisement from "Super dooper Saints are for Real."

Available for today only, The Feast of St. Francis of Assisi, are some totally outrageous St. Francis specials for only a fraction of the cost of our competitor Heavenly Graces. So if you you have a deep and pious devotion or you just want to freak out your friends, check out the awesomeness.

Item #0793 Animal Language Set

Have you ever desired to speak to your beloved pets. Well desire no longer. Now when you order our animal language book collection, you'll be the coolest canine at the pound. With books like How to Speak Dog, Meow With Class, and 11o Ways to Howl at the moon, heck even St. Francis would be impressed.

Item #0089 Mystical Flute of Peace

Have you ever sat in a forest on a log in an open Joyous Meadow. Then the Mystical Flute of Peace is right up your alley. No experience necessary, just blow and serenade the forest with songs like Popeye the Sailorman, Yankee Doodle, and the Back to the Future theme song. The animals will come and keep you company.

(Warning: Animals may fiesty, and irritated with you, and may not really welcome you. So run Forrest, Run.)

Item #9085 The Emperor's new Clothes With invisibility hood

Have you ever been inspired to give up all you matierial possesions in a great testimony of faith, but are quite timid about thy birthday suit, or are modern laws just cramping your style. Not to worry. We now have an invisibility hood to make it that much easier. It takes only two double A bateries, and also gets AM/FM stations. Run free thoroughout the woods, without fear."

(Just a friendly reminder: Don't forget to keep your batteries charged.)

Item# 7865 Velvet Rock Bed

St. Francis was one wack dude sleeping on a rock and all. And you aren't nearly holy enough to offer it up. No problemo, we have a bed that looks like a rock, but feels like velvet. Ingenious? I though so.

(Warning: I say unto you, you have recieved your reward>

These are just a few of the cool items we have in stock. You can order via Holyghostconspiracies.blogspot.com. We no longer have a license to sell stigmata, but you can call Heavenly Graces, and ask for the Supernatural Operations deparment. Padre Pio is standing by.

Tabulation Phenomena strikes Detective Bombadil's Interest?

It seems a new conspiracy of so called "tabulators" has entered the Church. From further investigation I have come to discover that for those in the Church who wear tabbies with thier cleric attire, they have been labeled "tabulators" because they are in the act of "tabulation". This act would be different from wearing the full collar, which would go around the entire neck, and would often be attached to a shirt with French Cuffs. Detective Bombadil has not quite decided what he thinks of this phenomena. He could easily see where the "tabulator" would find convenience in being able to tab and go, and yet he can see the high esteem of those who hold on to more traditional values. Either way tabby or not clerics are wonderful to see, as the wearer is a representation of Christ to the world. I consider this a case for the bombed files.

Introducing the Fellowship of Pope John XXIII

Bloggers I just thought you might be interested in this application form for the fellowship of Pope John XXIII.





This application is merely a formality . We accept membership without discrimination against gender, orientation, and species. We except all kinds a of lifestyle choices.

Do you reject all Church councils prior to Vatican II? Yes____ No_____

Do you embrace Vatican II in its entire being of greatness? (Wait that doesn't work?)

Do embrace Vatican's II rejection of Latin? (Shoot Vatican II didn't do that)

Do accept the spirit of Vatican II, meaning you believe whatever you feel like and attach it to Vatican II? (Yes that works) Yes___ No____

Do you promise to put a dandelion in the community chalice weekly, as a sign of your committment to the fellowship. Yes___ No____

Do you promise to love all of God's children, except for dirty scoundrel conservatives? Yes____ No____

Just for your information. We are democratic society in which the women's vote is worth twice the men's since the men have suppressed the women for ages. Our pope is Hilary Clinton, and our our head of the Congregation of the doctine of faith is John Kerry.

Through the intercession of St. John F Kennedy, may i faithfully adhere to the fellowship in all ways, so that if in noontime of life I must depart, I may be carried over the rainbow bridge, into the whimsical meadows of heaven.

Signature_______ Date_________

Introducing The Inquisitor 5000

This is a free advertisment from Spring Time of the Church Foundation.
The Holy Spirit is moving full speed into the Springtime of the Church, everything seems to going well until you walk into this one Church that makes you go uggh. This is such old news. Well we may not be able to send you the Domincans, like you long have hoped for, but we can seen you the next best thing. The Inquisitor 5000.

The Inquisitor 5000 is actually a conglomeration of handy, dandy tools which not only bring orthodoxy into full swing, but are loads of fun along the way.

Book of Latin phrases: Have a problematic liturgicical director who just cannot put down the Haugen and Haas. Speak to her with latin phrases like Deus Caritas Est and Ora et Labora. She's bound to run screaming, convinced that you have cast some sort of medieval age spell on her.

Tabernacle relocation device: Tired of picking the road map to the tabernacle in the vestibule, and walking through the maze of Martin Luther King, and John F. Kennedy shrines only to find a locked room. Not to worry. When ever you recieve our very devoted Japanese Sumo Wrestler in the mail, he will be able to crush through any door, and will personally return the tabernacle to the center. ( Warning: If a priest is sitting in the center of the Church. You might want him to get out of the way.)

Liturgical Dancing Deterent: Bring an end to Liturgical dancing, by putting a layer of Arinze bricks in their shoes. About ten minutes of the Lord of the Dance and thier done for.

Glass Chalice converter: Is your parish still using glass chalices, even though they need to use precious metal. Then our new our transformation lazer gun is just for you. Simply set to Gold or silver, point and shoot. This will baffle pastor's everywhere.

Buy yours today. If you order within twenty minutes you will recieve a free anti-relativism shovel to be used however you deem necessary. Call today!

Disclaimer: Point Lazer guns carefully, not responsible for metalicized priest. Anti-relativism shovel does not defeat relativism, just simply releases frustration. Please refer to local laws before using.